Fading Away…
These picture are all selfies, all taken last week. Every time I look in the mirror, I feel like I’m fading away a little more. If I had light eyes, I’d have no features at all!
What little hair I have is nearly transparent and my lashes and eyebrows are falling out now. I can only look somewhat normal with make up and a wig. I won’t lie, I don’t like the way I look right now.
Yes, I know it’s temporary. Hopefully, although now I’ve been reading that eyelashes sometimes come and go after chemo. Yes, I only have one surgery left. If there are no complications. I think I’m getting nervous and I’m just tired of dealing with everything and, God, I want my life back!
Please don’t tell me I’m brave or an inspiration. I don’t feel like I am. What I feel like is a big whiner. Yes, I know I’m entitled to my feelings. But I feel even guiltier having them. I know trading my hair for my health is something I would do again tomorrow if necessary. I’m just tired of looking like this.
Probably you should just ignore me and I’ll get my sense of humor back soon. And I’m only leaving these pictures up for a day or two…
TMI Thursday, The Final Frontier…
I saw my plastic surgeon earlier this week and scheduled what will hopefully be the final step in my breast cancer reconstruction surgeries. He agreed that he would do as little as possible to minimize the chance of any bleeding/clotting complications.
The normal procedure would be to make an incision under the breast, remove the saline filled expander and replace it with a silicone implant. Not so much chance of bleeding with this.
Then he would perform a “lift” on the unaffected breast to make it perkier so that it better matched the side with the implant. (Not a lot of natural perkiness going on if you know what I mean!) Some risk of bleeding, but I said if he decided it was necessary to keep me from tipping to one side to just go ahead. He didn’t even crack a smile…
The last step would be to liposuction fat from the abdominal area (I know, how could that be a bad thing, right?) and insert said fat into both breasts to create a more natural, rounded appearance. Still no bounce, but softer. But I told him I just can’t do this. Disappointing, but it just seems too risky with the bleeding to take the chance. I think he was relieved I didn’t want to try 🙂
So I’m scheduled for surgery on March 10. I’ll almost certainly have to stop the Coumadin five days before, do the injections in my stomach twice a a day up till the day of surgery, then the hematologist and surgeon will decide how soon to resume the shots and Coumadin afterwards. It’s a crapshoot with me because of the Factor V Leiden clotting disorder I have but hopefully there won’t be any complications this time. I really want to be finished already!
Apparently chemo affects your hair, nails and skin for the longest amount of time. My nails are pretty good, just tiny black marks on some. My skin has been drier and I’m using moisturizer and body lotion every day. Most of my bottom eyelashes have fallen out now. My top lashes are mostly still there as are my eyebrows. Thank goodness for make up.
My hair on my head is finally growing back. Right now it’s this soft, down-like fuzz that’s pure white. From what I’ve read, it may stay like that or get darker or curlier. The doctors really don’t seem to have any idea why this happens. Waiting for it to grow back has been about as exciting as watching paint dry. I still am startled when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror — like a big-eyed alien with a glowing white halo! I’ll show you a picture soon, promise…
So, there, more than you ever wanted to know about me, right?
TMI Thursday, The Pity Train…
You know how sometimes things just happen when you need them? Well, I was getting ready to write an update and I came across this meme that I think was meant to send me a little message. Wednesday’s doctor’s visit was fine, but things aren’t moving fast enough for me and I was feeling sorry for myself. Until I saw this gentle reminder on Facebook.
The swelling after the second breast cancer surgery is not going down as fast as the plastic surgeon would like and they decided to keep the drainage tube in longer. Not bed rest, but definitely limited activities particularly with my right arm. And simple walking around. So even though they could tape off the tube and I could take a backwards facing shower so water doesn’t spray hard on my chest, I still am not supposed to raise my arms up to wash my hair myself. Boo hoo, poor me, right?
So I did the sensible thing. Called my hairdresser to get me in next week to wash and trim and touch up my hair. No investment in highlights or straightening treatment till I find out if I will need chemo and lose my hair, though. Best to be sensible here 😀
We had a trip to Southern California planned for the beginning of November that doctors thought would be possible unless there were complications. And there were. So we will do it another time, no big deal.
The docs were able to restart my blood thinners (Lovenox and Coumadin) and I’m doing what they call bridging to get back to the right levels, so all is going well there. So, you know, my hair doesn’t look great. Neither do my boobs right now. I’m tired a lot and haven’t been bothering to put on mascara or other make up. But today I’ll start. And I will sit my impatient butt back in the recliner and rest in between gentle walking until I get the okay to exercise more while remembering how grateful I am to be at this place in my life and back on the road to health!
Monday Musings and Medications…
It’s nearly a week after my surgery and I’m starting to feel a little more like myself today. I had some problems so the docs stopped my blood thinners (pills and shots) Saturday thinking I might be developing a hematoma. Let me tell you, I was afraid my brand new boob was going to end up pretty close to my collarbone! So along with the changes in my meds, my chest was wrapped with a wide elastic bandage to put additional pressure over the lovely post-surgical bra and I’ve been sleeping (or not) semi-upright in a recliner. And I am to continue walking around to lessen chance of developing a clot. Some of us are just more work, apparently…
And yesterday hubby washed my hair for me while I sat in a chair by the kitchen sink. It was heavenly! I had tried dry shampoo and it helped, but it wasn’t the same as having totally clean hair. Not being able to do things for yourself makes you very grateful for the little niceties.
Family and friends have dropped off delicious meals for us so we’re all well fed and I’m fixing my own coffee now as long as I lift and carry with my left arm.
I have a sponge like device over the wound, some type of wound vac that draws fluids away from the wound through tubes that go into an electronic box about the size of a small tv remote pinned to my left side. Usually it’s silent but every once in awhile it sounds like a cat. Always makes me smile when my pet device purrs…
And some really good news, the pathology report came back Stage 1a. By older standards, there would be no further treatment, but waiting to get results of genome test to see if chemo will be recommended. Another few weeks or so on those results. It’s a genetic test that can predict how the cancer will behave as far as reoccurring or not. Indications are that my cancer will be well behaved and not need further treatment. I ask you, would the Ladies have any other kind?
My mind is still foggy and I don’t think I can take anymore pain meds as they are messing with my dreams…though some might make good stories down the road if I remember them! Hopefully back to writing more soon.
TMI Thursday, Fighting Like a Girl…
On my way out the door to see Pat, my trainer. She has been through a hip replacement and had a malignant tumor on her foot removed, works out regularly and is a personal trainer! She is one of the most positive people I know and hanging out with her is a pain (in my arms, my knees, etc.) but never a chore! 😉
Today we’re working on back, upper body and arm strength because I won’t be able to use my right arm and side for a little bit after the surgery.
As to the surgery, good news, I think. My interventional radiologist and hemotologist have decided I don’t need the filter placed after all since I had another ultrasound that showed no blood clots. So apparently my chance of developing a clot after surgery will be no greater than anyone else. And because I’m only having a mastectomy on one side, they can restart a low dose of blood thinner fairly soon after surgery. And they could do an ultrasound and place a filter if I develop blood clot symptoms while in the hospital following surgery. So, yay…
I would not be lying to say I’m actually doing fine, just waiting for the surgery date to get here. And I also wouldn’t be lying to say that sometimes I’m scared witless just waiting for the surgery date to get here!
Photo of Pat M. is my own
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