I really thought I could start writing again but I don’t think I can do it yet. It’s been about a month since my hubby died of a brain aneurysm and there are still more bad days than good. Everything I see, everything I touch reminds me of what I’ve lost this year and I guess I’m just not ready yet to focus on only the good memories. I literally feel a physical ache in my chest.
Christmas was tough this year. Luckily Paul and I had decorated together after Thanksgiving because I wouldn’t have had the heart to do everything myself. And Christmas has always been my favorite holiday so I’m especially saddened that I can’t find much joy this season. The best part was watching my brothers’ and my grandchildren all playing together on Christmas Eve. So maybe a little bit of joy!
But mostly I’m glad the holiday is over so I can stop pretending to enjoy things. Some days I wish I could just stay in bed and sleep, but when night falls and I’m exhausted, sleep just won’t come. I’m trying to take care of myself, but cooking is not something I relish on a good day, so it’s sure not interesting me now! I wish I didn’t have all the paperwork to continue completing. Insurance, benefits, investments, just a constant reminder of how my life has changed.
My son and I decided to spend New Years Eve at home with the elderly, arthritic Chief dog. He wakes up barking in the middle of the night most nights anyway so he’ll be thrilled we’re here with him. Maybe we can watch a movie, but if I fall asleep before midnight I’m okay with that this year.
I know with time things will get better for us. I just don’t know how to move on right now…
UPDATE: my husband passed away this morning at 11:22 a.m. Life will go on, but it is forever changed…
I’m going to be taking a break from blogging, perhaps an extended one. It’s 3:54 on Monday morning and I’m writing through a blur of tears as I sit in a hospital room as my dear, sweet husband of 37 years swiftly fades away.
Early Sunday morning he suffered a massive brain bleed and life became a whirlwind of ambulances, emergency rooms, phone calls and texts to relatives and the words you never want to hear — there is literally nothing we can do and chances of survival are about 3 percent.
My children who live close by gathered around and we talked and cried and tried to make some decisions. I stayed overnight because I could not bear to leave. I slept a few hours before the ICU nurse woke me to tell me his blood pressure had dropped significantly and he had spiked a high fever. Still, there’s really nothing to do but wait and cry and feel my heart breaking.
We’ve had such a wonderful life together. I know I’m very lucky and not everyone is blessed as I have been. I just thought we’d have more time. I want to thank you all in advance for your love and support and prayers because I’m not sure I’ll have the time or ability
t respond to comments. I love you all, too and I’m so grateful for your friendship.
I’m back from Canada, eh, and here’s just a quick overview of why I like cruising!
- Spent more than a week with hubby, my sis and brother in law living next door to each other (we live several states apart)
- Wonderful food choices made it easy to eat well and indulge just a little. And no planning, cooking or clean up…
- Only had to take Dramamine for a few days this time…
- Walked literally miles everyday (not to mention the stairs)
- Great entertainment all in one place. A show every night — great music, magic, acrobats and comedy, plus musicians in the common atrium areas…
- An incredibly small, efficient storage system for clothes and personal effects in your stateroom…
- A free upgrade to a stateroom on a higher floor with an obstructed ocean view (that means a lifeboat is partially in front of your window) but, hey, some people pay for that view!
- A special drink of the day and wine with dinner (not included in the price, but still)…
- Visiting six cities without packing up and changing hotels every few days…
- A towel animal on your bed each night — that’s a bulldog!
I’ll give you the flip side later!
I’m sorry I haven’t been around too much lately. I’ve got a new toy that I’ve been playing with and it’s been so much fun. NO, not THAT kind of toy, this kind😂
Yep, I bought an Instant Pot, like this one, on Amazon Prime day for the amazing price of $58.99 US dollars. If you’re not familiar with this new appliance for the kitchen, it’s mostly an electric pressure cooker that has a stainless steel inner pot that you can saute in, slow cook in, make yogurt, cook rice and even make cheesecake, my favorite. I only had to buy a 7 inch springform pan to make the cheesecake in and that was about $10 at Amazon.
So, you know I don’t really like to cook that much. But I’ve already made Italian Sausage and Tortellini soup, spaghetti, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, Tuscan chicken pasta and two cheesecakes in this thing.
Yes, you still have to chop the vegetables and saute the sausage or chicken before you add the other ingredients. But when it goes into the pot, you turn on pressure cook and it comes up to pressure and cooks for the time you set and you don’t have to stir or watch or do a thing. The macaroni and cheese literally cooked in four minutes —
Apparently you can get labels like the one pictured that I found on Facebook. Anything to make cooking more fun!
Uhm, yeah, that beach is where I wish I was right now instead of my overly air conditioned house. Sorry I haven’t been posting much. I’ve been sidetracked by the ordinary summer things that keep us all busy.
It’s been super hot in the Midwest, like mid-90s hot and humid with heat indices in the low 100s. Not great for spending time outdoors but we did over the weekend, watching JP practice tee ball. Those poor kiddos running in the heat for an hour! At least grown ups got to stay in the shade…
Hubby’s younger sister is having surgery today to repair a brain aneurysm that has been pressing on her optic nerve and causing double vision and balance problems. We are still anxiously waiting any word as she’s in TN and we’re in IL. But it is truly miraculous what procedures can be done nowadays. And had she not had symptoms, they probably would not have found the problem until it was too late.
I got adjusted by the chiropractor again this morning and he has a newer, stronger massage table. It’s like being on an amusement park ride! All three of us are going to the gym this week and we each have eye appointments. And the pest control guy is coming tomorrow to make sure our carpenter ant problem is under control.
Then on Wednesday it’s Independence Day here but I swear people have been setting off fireworks for at least a week now. The poor dog hates going outside when it gets dark and the noise starts.
Speaking of noise, last year we were at older son and DDIL’s house on July 4th and people nearby started shooting off fireworks during the late afternoon. JP, who was four and a half, was playing ball in the yard when a really loud explosion went off. He ran for all he was worth to the picnic table where we were all sitting, yelling, “That scared the hell out of me!”
All four grandparents looked disapprovingly at his daddy, biting our lips and trying very hard not to laugh. “What?” he frowned. “Why is it always my fault?” Why, indeed?
Hope you all are having a lovely July, wherever you are!