Fading Away…

 

 

 

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These picture are all selfies, all taken last week.  Every time I look in the mirror, I feel like I’m fading away a little more.  If I had light eyes, I’d have no features at all!

What little hair I have is nearly transparent and my lashes and eyebrows are falling out now.  I can only look somewhat normal with make up and a wig.  I won’t lie, I don’t like the way I look right now.

Yes, I know it’s temporary.  Hopefully, although now I’ve been reading that eyelashes sometimes come and go after chemo.  Yes, I only have one surgery left.  If there are no complications.  I think I’m getting nervous and I’m just tired of dealing with everything and, God, I want my life back!

Please don’t tell me I’m brave or an inspiration.  I don’t feel like I am.  What I feel like is a big whiner.  Yes, I know I’m entitled to my feelings.  But I feel even guiltier having them.  I know trading my hair for my health is something I would do again tomorrow if necessary.  I’m just tired of looking like this.

Probably you should just ignore me and I’ll get my sense of humor back soon.  And I’m only leaving these pictures up for a day or two…

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100 responses

  1. Good luck with the surgery.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, honey, I know it will be fine! Just bummed today, I guess…

      Like

  2. You will get your life back Dianne. Meanwhile here are a few gentle hugs, I hope they help! (((((((((())))))))))🤗

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ahh, Peter, just the right thing to say. Intellectually, I know that and I feel so vain and petty sometimes…thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think we are all allowed to be introspective once in a while, even to feel sorry for ourselves. But not for too long! There’s life to be lived yet, and we must do that to the absolute best of our abilities.

        Liked by 3 people

      2. You are right. I’m sure it’s the upcoming surgery and my nerves…

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Ignore you? … just ain’t going to happen … Eric.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Mwah! You are too sweet 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. ❤❤❤

    Like

  5. I don’t think you look so bad at all…The operative word here is, “Feeling.” Your just tired of feeling like you do. Just remember, it’s okay to feel anyway you want because feelings aren’t reality. They are just feelings ❤ Still looking good and I really need that lunch date so let's get a date down !!! Blessings, Mz. D ps I'm busy w/my own pity party 😉 Love ya ❤

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ll look for it..<3

        Like

  6. I meant, “you are,” not “y o u r.” ❤

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  7. This will all be a fading memory soon. You aren’t allowed to fade away. 😃

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    1. Thanks, T! It’s just gotten old…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I hear ya’. Hang in there. It’ll all be over soon, and you’ll get your life back. And your hair. 😊

        Like

  8. Hang in there dear Dianne – sending you hugs. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Terry. You, too!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. My husband went through 9 months of chemo several years ago and survived. He lost his eyelashes and brows but they did come back. Sending prayers of peace and healing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Robin, I’m so glad your husband did well! My prognosis is great and that’s what’s really important, I know.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. ❤❤❤❤🙏🏽

    Like

  11. It is a cruel trick that a moment can feel like a month….and given the vast number of moments in each day, distress can feel so longstanding and far-reaching….self-compassion can be a challenge, especially if you are someone accustomed to giving to others….I am sending compassion and encouragement your way…you deserve it and the honour is mine…I know you will take care 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you. My hair came out back in November and now that it’s finally starting to grow back, my eyebrows and lashes have fallen out. I think it was just the final indignity for me…

      Like

  12. Wishing you all the best D. You look beautiful with and without hair. 💖💗💖💖💖

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Love you, Wendy. Thanks for the white lie 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  13. The thing about being inspirational is that you don’t choose to be it…You’re just getting on with life. Tomorrow will be a better day x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It will, Al, thanks. I think losing my eyebrows and lashes a month after chemo ended was just the last straw for me…

      Like

      1. Everyone’s allowed a bad day… Even without such last straws. Hugs x

        Like

  14. Sending love and hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks. I know I’m being petty, just can’t help it right now…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Um, not being petty. You are entitled to being upset, angry, frustrated, fearful and whatever else you are feeling right now. It is what anyone else in this situation would feel. No need to make apologies or excuses!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You are right. Normally I try not to share too many negative feelings here, but I’m trying to honestly report my experience with cancer. And I was just so mad that my lashes and brows came out now! I think acknowledging that makes me feel better already 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Sending more hugs!

        Like

  15. Love to you 💗💗

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, I’ll cheer up, I promise!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Take your time going through whichever feelings you need to.

        Like

  16. All my love and positive thoughts, Dee. I think you look beautiful any way you are. ❤❤❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Lol, liar! I have a mirror! Having my lashes and brows fall out just felt like the final indignity. I mean, make up can only do so much, right? But I love you, too, sis! Tomorrow will be better…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh you! Your beautiful symmetrical features are prominent – its a compelling photo, Dee. And tomorrow will be better. I know it! ❤❤

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  17. However you feel, Dee, know we love you, hair or no hair. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Roo, I know you understand. Normally I would have kept it to myself, cause I know some days are just like this, but I want to be honest about the whole experience…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Of course. Your unabashed candor is one of the many wonders of you I admire most. On the grand scale you’re merely squeaking a bit.

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  18. Love, hugs, prayers for you–your feelings, your surgery, your recovery.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Linda, appreciate you so much<3

      Liked by 1 person

  19. keep them up.
    you’re inspirational, even if you’re grumpy!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. God, I am grumpy! I was so pissed when my lashes and brows fell out after chemo was already finished!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. actually I have heard that it can be the few weeks after chemo that are the worst. AND THEN, DEAR ONE, IT’S ALL GOOD STUFF AHEAD.

        Liked by 1 person

  20. You might be bummed, but that’s your right. Allow for all the “feels”. Hugs to you, D.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know you’re right. I hate self-pity, tho.

      Liked by 1 person

  21. I want you to meet Anncredible

    Liked by 3 people

  22. …and I would be honored to send you a goofy looking hat, or perhaps a wickedly funny head scarf or maybe an elegant turban.

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    1. You are so sweet! That video was very emotional for me. I’m so lucky not to have gone through this as a young woman, that would have been much harder. I do have hats I wear around the house or to the gym. I’m getting braver…

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I know how you feel. I will get braver and healthy.

        Liked by 1 person

  23. I know you don’t want to hear this, but you’re also very BRAVE to post your photos. My good friend had a bone marrow transplant (multiple myeloma) and lost all of her hair (chemo treatment first). She refused to wear a wig (hated the feeling of it) or even a scarf. She was just so proud that she was still standing…so she stared right back into the eyes of those who stared at her. I can’t say I’d be able to do that, but it was her way. She now has soft gray curls and looks mahvelous. xoxox

    Like

    1. Thanks. It took me a long time to decide to post these, I lost my hair back in November. I wear a hat or scarf w/o the wig when I go to the gym. The first time was hard for me…

      Liked by 1 person

  24. Hi sweetie. I haven’t been in your shoes and I don’t know what going through this “feels” like. I can only guess that it gets old. But, we’ll take it because it means that you’re still here with us. ❤️ Love and hugs coming your way.

    Like

  25. Sending love to you, D! And I echo the other comments here. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, love. Getting there. Trying to be patient!

      Liked by 1 person

  26. Been thinking about you. How are you doing today?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m better, thanks, crazy medical stuff. They called me to get cardiac clearance cause there was supposedly an irregular EKG back in the fall. So I had to get in for a physical and another EKG today, nothing alarming, they said, so they will do surgery on Friday! I didn’t remember anyone ever saying that and doc today said not to worry about it, it was all good. Crazy!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ugh. The heart stuff- now that I can relate to. Glad to hear yours is ok. Bet you just want all of this to be over with. Guess I didn’t realize your surgery was THIS week.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Well, that answers the question I was going to ask you about your health stuff! Nothing new, huh?

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Nothing new. I am getting blood work done on Wednesday though. Can’t wait to find out my homocysteine level. That indicates stroke risk.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Oh, I hope it’s just fine. Keeping my fingers crossed! Mine might be a problem with my thyroid medication and I may have to eliminate all caffeine. I find I’m really sensitive to it…bloodwork is tomorrow for me.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Praying for you for tomorrow. I don’t do caffeine either. Hope you get it all figured out soon. ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Thanks, you, too, honey!

        Liked by 1 person

      7. But, we are moving closer to St Louis, so I’m hopeful I can actually find some Dr’s that actually know what they’re talking about instead of guessing.

        Liked by 1 person

  27. Just going to put this out there- mirrors are really hard for a lot of people. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  28. You’re beautiful, inside and out. Go ahead and whine or better yet, wine! 🍷Love you! ❤

    Like

  29. Sending warm virtual hugs and prayers Diane.💖

    Like

  30. Oh bless you Diane.. I’ll be thinking of you and sending lots of love. I hope you’ll be smiling very soon xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am already, Wendy. Once I get through surgery on Friday, I’ll be even better! I looked at false eyelashes yesterday but decided to go without for now and hope mine grow back…how are you?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. In the scheme of what you’re going through I’m absolutely brilliant! I’ve just left my job so am out of the state of ‘limbo land’ which is where I’ve been for the past year – never the best of places and so now I feel a sense of freedom and ‘onward and upward’… I hope you’re feeling the same very very soon. The very best of luck for Friday! xxx

        Liked by 1 person

  31. It’s completely understandable that you’re wearying to get your life back to some semblance of normality. Good long with your surgery! It’ll be great to no longer have any operations looming on the horizon.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, thanks, just want to get it over with!

      Liked by 1 person

  32. Thinking of you Diane and sending you big hugs, prayers and warm wishes that all goes well. And just keep reminding yourself that “this too shall pass”. xo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Miri. I’m a little nervous, I guess, but yeah, eventually I’ll have eyebrow and lashes again, I’m sure 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Of course you will Di. 🙂

        Like

  33. Glad you told us how you feel! I’m sure you are tired of all of this and want life to be back to normal! Who wouldn’t? Hugs and love

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Lynn! I’m getting a little impatient and tomorrow is my surgery. Have to be there at 7 am!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Take care! Well wishes dear xx

        Liked by 1 person

  34. I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. You’ve got this. Beat cancers ass…kick it in the balls and hold your head up. You look beautiful! Hugs 💗

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, gorgeous girl! And thank goodness for make up and fabulous wigs (that my insurance paid for!)

      Liked by 1 person

  35. It sucks, it just sucks. It’s not fair, it’s not right, it shouldn’t be, why does it even exist!! It serves no purpose, it stinks, it’s depressing, it’s scary, it’s dreadful, it’s a nuisance, it hurts, it’s ugly, it’s exhausting, it’s a pain, it’s draining, it’s invasive, it’s not welcomed, it needs to go away!!! Wishing you better days soon!!! xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for understanding, Deb. Sometimes I’m just tired of it all. But then it gets better!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome!! Sending big hugs your way!! xo

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  36. Beauty and looks fade for all yet your goodness shines through

    Like

  37. Hi Dianne – I just want to say that I appreciate you. Exactly as you are. I am sending so much love and caring and gentle hugs your way. Imagine we are all with you holding your hands. ❤ Seeing Light surrounding you – your hair – your eyebrows – and your surgery. Love, Debbie ps – So glad you are blogging now!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Debbie. People here are so kind, you are a wonderful support! xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Dianne it is genuine and heartfelt. You are so loved. 💜

        Liked by 1 person

  38. Whine away. That’s what blog followers are for! Praying.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. People here are wonderfully supportive. Thanks, Mitch!

      Like

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