Slowly I’m getting back to writing. I hope you like this first shaky attempt…
That place where my heart dwelled
Has been raw and empty
A wound leaking life’s blood
Since the moment you left me…
Why keep drawing breath
Day after night after day
Searching for a semblance of reason
When faced with your untimely death
Grasping at thoughts while the mind reels
Holding close pieces of me that threaten to shatter
Searching for hope to let in the light
That every tortured breath steals
From my fractured heart to a sadder place
Where darkness reigns and mourning is king
No more attempts to bargain with a higher power
I accept our fate with reluctant grace
Deep in my soul I yearn to know again
The wonder of love in your glance
Will I ever move beyond the pain
And allow life another chance…
Weeks become months of their own accord
The sun rises and sets, oblivious to my despair
Then one day with dry eyes I awaken
To find I’m battered but still unbroken
Reading or listening to the news lately is so disheartening that I sometimes wonder what has happened to this world we live in. Then something sweet happens and I feel better about the future…
In the few days after my husband died in December, family began gathering as is usually the case, I’m sure. Everyone was anxious to help do something — anything, really. I asked my stepson if he would take youngest to get a hair and beard trim before the weekend. They went to Upscale Male, a salon in nearby Naperville, where my husband and Dave have gotten their hair cut for years.
One of the stylists came over to ask Dave where his dad was. The guys sadly explained what had happened with their dad and she was, of course, shocked at the suddenness. Dave and his dad had just been in there the month before. She excused herself for a moment and came back with the owner who was terribly upset and offered his condolences — and insisted that he be allowed to provide his services on the house that day as a tribute to their dad.
What a lovely gesture from a very kind man who went out of his way to try to help my guys feel a little better. ❤️❤️❤️
I really thought I could start writing again but I don’t think I can do it yet. It’s been about a month since my hubby died of a brain aneurysm and there are still more bad days than good. Everything I see, everything I touch reminds me of what I’ve lost this year and I guess I’m just not ready yet to focus on only the good memories. I literally feel a physical ache in my chest.
Christmas was tough this year. Luckily Paul and I had decorated together after Thanksgiving because I wouldn’t have had the heart to do everything myself. And Christmas has always been my favorite holiday so I’m especially saddened that I can’t find much joy this season. The best part was watching my brothers’ and my grandchildren all playing together on Christmas Eve. So maybe a little bit of joy!
But mostly I’m glad the holiday is over so I can stop pretending to enjoy things. Some days I wish I could just stay in bed and sleep, but when night falls and I’m exhausted, sleep just won’t come. I’m trying to take care of myself, but cooking is not something I relish on a good day, so it’s sure not interesting me now! I wish I didn’t have all the paperwork to continue completing. Insurance, benefits, investments, just a constant reminder of how my life has changed.
My son and I decided to spend New Years Eve at home with the elderly, arthritic Chief dog. He wakes up barking in the middle of the night most nights anyway so he’ll be thrilled we’re here with him. Maybe we can watch a movie, but if I fall asleep before midnight I’m okay with that this year.
I know with time things will get better for us. I just don’t know how to move on right now…
I want to dance
To twirl and feel the air
Lift silken layers and guide your eager
Hands to my hips…
I want to dance
My fingers across your nape
Twine them into your curls
And tug gently till our eyes meet…
I want to dance
Attendance on your lips
To linger thigh to thigh
In a soft cocoon…
I want to dance
But we are caught
as surely as our hands between us
Or our mingled breaths…
We pull apart
You twirl me away
Chiffon floats like a cloud
I want to dance…
I know I’ve been absent a lot lately. We lost another dear friend on Friday, a warm and funny woman who was like a sister to my husband growing up. When he first moved up north, he lived with her family and they all treated him liked one of their own. In fact, one of hubby’s sisters was married to one of Pat’s brothers so our two families share a niece and two nephews.
Unfortunately, Pat needed a lung transplant a few years ago and had grown frail recently. The anti-rejection drugs she took made it difficult to fight infections and she was in and out of the hospital.
The wake and funeral are today and tomorrow, a few hours drive from us. And this comes only a few months after we lost my DSIL in Tennessee to complications from pancreatitis. It’s sad and difficult and a stark reminder of how short and fragile life really is…