I’m proud of myself and my family for facing all the firsts this past year without my husband (and their father) whom we lost last December 3. Yesterday we went to lay wreaths on his grave and those of my parents and my sister-in-laws’ parents at Abraham Lincoln National Cemetery.
Of course I broke down again, but the grief is not so fresh and all encompassing most of the time. It’s hard to explain what triggers tears now. More often than not it’s something random; a song we liked, a tv show we watched, a restaurant we enjoyed together.
His unexpected death from an aneurysm a robbed us of a chance to say our goodbyes, and that had been so difficult for us all. I’m comforted knowing we said I love you to each other at least once every day of our 37 years together. And though the suddenness of his death was hard on all of us left behind, I don’t think my husband suffered and for that I’m so grateful.
If I’ve learned anything this past year it’s that life really is too short and precious. I don’t want to waste even a moment on anything or anyone that doesn’t bring me joy…
I’ve been a widow now for almost a year. Still hating it. I even hate the word. Thanksgiving will be the last holiday of this year of firsts to go through (although I was still pretty numb and don’t really remember much of last Christmas.)
We will celebrate together with my family on Christmas Eve and then youngest and I will break tradition and go to Virginia Beach to spend Christmas Day through New Year’s with my sister and her family.
Most days I’m stunned when I realize it’s been nearly a year since my husband died suddenly last December 3. It just can’t be possible, yet it is.
Some days I’m afraid I’m not handling things well, but I do get up every day, put on makeup (mostly), pay bills, run errands, cook dinner, work out three days a week. So I guess I’m doing okay, right?
Many things are still undecided. I want to find a permanent place to live and continue helping youngest train toward finding a job. Find myself a purpose in life, maybe get a dog again once I’m settled. Maybe combine those two things and train a dog for visits at hospitals and/or senior centers.
I need to write again. Maybe travel. Find joy in life again. Move forward. Move forward without feeling guilty…
Thank you so much for sticking with me and reading my posts, however few and far between, even when I don’t always read yours and comment. I’m doing the best I can, really I am.
Wishing you all a lovely holiday season.
Photo of the Grand Canyon is mine.
This is my anniversary month so I’ve been up and down emotionally, especially with selling the house in one day! I don’t want to live there anymore but I’m sad to leave, you know? And I break down in tears like every other day…
All the future plans about downsizing and traveling we had, we made together. And now it’s just me. And youngest, who’s apparently intending to stay with me forever.
Thought I’d occasionally post some pictures of me and hubby together over the years. This one was from my mom’s 80th birthday when the whole family celebrated at one of those huge rental houses in Duck, NC. It was spectacular!
Slowly I’m getting back to writing. I hope you like this first shaky attempt…
That place where my heart dwelled
Has been raw and empty
A wound leaking life’s blood
Since the moment you left me…
Why keep drawing breath
Day after night after day
Searching for a semblance of reason
When faced with your untimely death
Grasping at thoughts while the mind reels
Holding close pieces of me that threaten to shatter
Searching for hope to let in the light
That every tortured breath steals
From my fractured heart to a sadder place
Where darkness reigns and mourning is king
No more attempts to bargain with a higher power
I accept our fate with reluctant grace
Deep in my soul I yearn to know again
The wonder of love in your glance
Will I ever move beyond the pain
And allow life another chance…
Weeks become months of their own accord
The sun rises and sets, oblivious to my despair
Then one day with dry eyes I awaken
To find I’m battered but still unbroken
Reading or listening to the news lately is so disheartening that I sometimes wonder what has happened to this world we live in. Then something sweet happens and I feel better about the future…
In the few days after my husband died in December, family began gathering as is usually the case, I’m sure. Everyone was anxious to help do something — anything, really. I asked my stepson if he would take youngest to get a hair and beard trim before the weekend. They went to Upscale Male, a salon in nearby Naperville, where my husband and Dave have gotten their hair cut for years.
One of the stylists came over to ask Dave where his dad was. The guys sadly explained what had happened with their dad and she was, of course, shocked at the suddenness. Dave and his dad had just been in there the month before. She excused herself for a moment and came back with the owner who was terribly upset and offered his condolences — and insisted that he be allowed to provide his services on the house that day as a tribute to their dad.
What a lovely gesture from a very kind man who went out of his way to try to help my guys feel a little better. ❤️❤️❤️