I really thought I could start writing again but I don’t think I can do it yet. It’s been about a month since my hubby died of a brain aneurysm and there are still more bad days than good. Everything I see, everything I touch reminds me of what I’ve lost this year and I guess I’m just not ready yet to focus on only the good memories. I literally feel a physical ache in my chest.
Christmas was tough this year. Luckily Paul and I had decorated together after Thanksgiving because I wouldn’t have had the heart to do everything myself. And Christmas has always been my favorite holiday so I’m especially saddened that I can’t find much joy this season. The best part was watching my brothers’ and my grandchildren all playing together on Christmas Eve. So maybe a little bit of joy!
But mostly I’m glad the holiday is over so I can stop pretending to enjoy things. Some days I wish I could just stay in bed and sleep, but when night falls and I’m exhausted, sleep just won’t come. I’m trying to take care of myself, but cooking is not something I relish on a good day, so it’s sure not interesting me now! I wish I didn’t have all the paperwork to continue completing. Insurance, benefits, investments, just a constant reminder of how my life has changed.
My son and I decided to spend New Years Eve at home with the elderly, arthritic Chief dog. He wakes up barking in the middle of the night most nights anyway so he’ll be thrilled we’re here with him. Maybe we can watch a movie, but if I fall asleep before midnight I’m okay with that this year.
I know with time things will get better for us. I just don’t know how to move on right now…
I’m still seeing the chiropractor twice a week for my back. Next week we go down to once a week then once a month, I think. It’s definitely helping although the table that I love is not working right now and the replacement has not yet arrived 😦
Gosh, how I miss the traction table. The best week I had lately was when I saw the chiropractor on Monday and Wednesday and got a pedicure on Tuesday in the big massage chair, haha. Every week should be that fabulous!!
But today hubby took my car for an oil change and I had to drive his Corvette. (I know what you’re thinking, oh, poor Dee!) It’s a beautiful car and all but I don’t drive it much (cause I don’t want to have someone park close to me and ding the side — or run a shopping cart into it!) And as I’m sure most of you know, it’s very low to the ground. And, hello, person with back issues trying not to just fall into the car…
So by the time I got to the doctor’s, I think I was a little tense and needed the adjustment more than usual today. But got the car there and back just fine and got in and out without injuring myself. So all in all, not bad for a Monday, right?
Yesterday, like many Americans, I woke to the horrible news of another mass shooting, this time at an outdoor country music concert in Las Vegas, Nevada. At least 59 people were dead, more than 500 were injured. The number of guns and amount of ammunition this 64-year-old shooter had in his hotel room and home is utterly astounding. And the current speculation is that he used a semiautomatic rifle that had been illegally, of course, converted to a fully automatic rifle so that he could shoot almost continuously for 4 and 1/2 minutes from a 32nd floor hotel room down into a crowd of people gathered across the street. This is madness…
The morning news pretty much ran into the noon news with the story run again and again. There are some bright spots. We’ve heard amazing stories about the Las Vegas first responders and ordinary people in the crowd who helped and protected each other amid the chaos and fear Sunday night. So many people lined up to give blood that some had to be turned away.
I then got a message from a former neighbor asking if it was true that one of our friends had died over the weekend. I hadn’t been home much so I was totally shocked to check messages on Facebook and find it was true! My lovely neighbor, Sue Smith, whose family moved into their home across the street the same summer that we moved into this house 25 years ago, died suddenly from a brain aneurysm this weekend. Sue worked in the school district as a special needs aide, planted gorgeous flowers in her yard and took care of my dogs many times when I went on vacation over the years. She was truly the glue that held her family together and my heart is breaking for them.
Then I heard that my brother’s sister-in-law, whom I knew was on a river cruise in Europe with her husband, developed a brain bleed and is hospitalized in Switzerland! If doctors agree to allow her to return to the States for treatment, she will need to be on an air ambulance from Zürich to Chicago and in an ambulance to a hospital here. My sister- in-law is understandably worried sick about her sister, Lynn, having to make that flight. I’m humbly asking for your prayers and good thoughts for the coming weeks.
And if all that wasn’t enough awful news, singer Tom Petty suffered a massive cardiac episode and was removed from life support Monday afternoon. He did not make it through the night.
I really am grateful for all wonderful people and things in my life. But Monday was a truly sucky day. I’m going to my happy place, even if it’s just in my mind…