Monday Musings on Tuesday…

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Yesterday was one of the tougher days I’ve had in awhile.  I know lots of you love Halloween, but it’s never been a huge favorite of mine.  I don’t really know why, never liked the creepy craziness of it, I guess.  I like cute, sigh…

October 31 is also the day my dad passed away.  He just never woke up that day in 2000 after an apparently massive heart attack, but my parents lived in Arizona at the time so I hadn’t seen him since their anniversary that spring.  And then suddenly he was gone.  Sixteen years ago…

And yesterday morning was my chemotherapy orientation meeting which consisted of pages and pages of possible side effects from the two drugs I will get, ranging from the mild and uncomfortable to the truly dire.  I’m lucky that I will only have four sessions three weeks apart, beginning this Friday.  One of my best friends is going with me for moral support.

Surgery, maybe because I’d had it before, was nowhere near as frightening to me as the thought of putting these strong medications into my veins to search for minute cancer cells that might be lurking somewhere in my blood or lymph system.

My hair should fall out sometime in the next few weeks, just in time for the holidays.  Perhaps I will lose a nail or two.  I may lose my eyebrows and eyelashes, but maybe not.  I odered a wig which I think looked a lot like my hair.  When my hair starts to come out I’m going to shave it off and wear the wig.  I wish I could find the humor in that, but I can’t just yet.  Maybe later.

The only really funny thing is that when I called my insurance company to check on coverage for my “cranial prosthesis” the person I talked to on the phone said the cost would be covered.  They will pay several hundred dollars for a wig but they don’t cover the cost of my flu shot!

So right now I’m reminding myself that chemo is going to increase my chances of not having a cancer recurrence by a significant amount.  I’m trying not to get too freaked out about getting through the next few months of holidays, trying to stay healthy, doing everything that needs to get done when you’re the mom and grandma, and cope with the fatigue and side effects of chemo.  My last session will be January 6 and I leave for Maui on January 20, with one slushy saline-filled boob and a bald head, but hopefully I’ll be done with treatment!

I’m tearing up as I write this and questioning whether to publish.  But a good friend recently told me I shouldn’t censor my feelings and worry about being entertaining.  I did say I’d be honest with you if you joined me on this journey, even if it’s not always fun and funny.

And maybe it’s not so much about the treatment, maybe I’m just missing my dad…

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115 responses

  1. What a lovely, poignant post. You are brave and bold in equal measure. You are also a BOSS. You got this. 😉

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks, honey, I appreciate that!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. A very hard day for you. The anniversary of your Dad’s passing and the reality of the chemo meeting. Stay strong and take one day at a time. Read about my friend Fran. She had 6 months of chemo and 6 months of infusion. She lost her hair and was very sick and had just lost her husband two years earlier but she has not only survived but thrived. And you will too.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Your friend is truly an inspiration. I know in my heart I’ll get through it, the anticipation is always the worst. Good thing I take meds for anxiety, huh?!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hugs! Better day, today! All Hallowes…. better known as All Saints! Have a Blessed Day! Hugs! ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Sending you strength and cheer from India. Hang in there….we are supporting you…

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Your friend was right. Don’t censor your feelings. It is what I love most about the blogging world that we’ve signed into, Diane. Of course, there will be bad days, don’t beat yourself up over that. Be proud of your candor, it takes so much courage to be vulnerable. Stay strong. We are here for you. Many hugs. 💘

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you, Van. I hate feeling weak. I need to remember there’s a difference between that and being open and vulnerable…

      Liked by 2 people

  6. An observation, all that needs to be done is to do things your way, there is no right or wrong way, it’s how you feel, your instincts, the little big voice inside that makes the difference, and when conscience tweaks remember what others need can wait.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Yes, you are right, of course!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. My mom did the preemptive head shaving. She looked beautiful bald, and eventually ditched the wig. It was amazing how gorgeous her hair was when in grew back in.
    When you come through this, and you will, you get to go to Hawaii to recoup. That should be a must.
    We are here for you sending lots of love, prayers, and positivity to you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Wendy. I thought I was prepared for yesterday, but by evening, no. I was crying over DWTS! It’s nice to hear about other’s experiences, glad your mom did well. I know I’ll be okay, just have to stop worrying about it…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. She had her moments too. I was just so happy when she grabbed that hair loss and decided to make it hers.
        I can’t imaging how I would handle what you are going through. But I’m so proud of you too. Your spirit and strength won’t fail you. God Bless you.

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  8. Dee, I love you! 😘

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks, sis. That means a lot to me. I love you, too!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You will soar! I just know it deep in my bones.

        Liked by 1 person

  9. You are in my prayers for today and for all the chemo you will be receiving. Losing a parent is never easy. My mother died from a massive stroke in 1969 when I was 21. I still feel sick on December 11, and don’t know why – until I look at the calendar and remember. I applaud your willingness to share your journey, and I am praying that your words will bring encouragement to others, as they will return to you in loving comments and prayers from friends and the blogging community. And, through all this, think of Maui! That should bring a smile to your face! With love to you, Linda

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Linda. Yeah, I think losing a parent is tough, and suddenly I’m becoming the “older generation”. I’ve just been in this mood lately…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes. Being the older generation isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, that’s for sure!

        Liked by 1 person

  10. following you, and your journey, closely.
    and with love.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks, Vi. I’ll get out of this funk soon…

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  11. Oh, Diane! I appreciate your unfiltered feelings more than I could possibly convey! Hugs to you, my friend. As many as you need (and a few more cuz I want to). 💜

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks, Kay. I’m just in a funk lately, I know it will get better.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It will! You’re welcome, Diane. 😘💜

        Liked by 1 person

  12. Big hugs, Dee. The loss of a loved certainly takes precedence over any holiday. It really does changes things for life. But it’s the love and memories that you have that make it worth remembrance, and that is a beautiful thing that is in your heart.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks, Rob! Big hugs back!

      Liked by 1 person

  13. God bless you and good hope for your treatments.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Great big hugs and loads of positivity sent your way. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, I just have to take it one step at a time.

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  15. Hugs sweetheart. I don’t know what it’s like to lose a dad. I still have mine. My heart aches that you don’t. 😦

    The road you’re on is the same, I haven’t been on it. So, all I have to offer are guesses as to what it must be like. I’m sending huge hugs and healing light your way. When we move in a few months, we’ll be a little bit closer to you. Maybe when you’re feeling good sometime we could meet half way? I think we’ll be about 6 hours apart, so that’d be 3. Then I can hug you in real life! Love you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh, my I would love that! We will absolutely get together! I’ll be okay, I think it was just the accumulation of everything yesterday.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Of course. One of those kind of days when everything piles up. 💜

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  16. Sending lots of warm hugs and healing vibes. You certainly have an emotional draining going on. I’m here for you, no matter how many miles separate us. Sharing the happy, the sad, and the frightening, is good for you. Let it out. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, dear friend. Mostly I’m okay, sometimes it’s too much at once. I’m sure that happens for everyone…

      Liked by 1 person

  17. VictoryInTrouble | Reply

    Big hugs! I hope today is a better day!

    Liked by 2 people

  18. Diane… hugs! I, of all people, have to tell you that you should absolutely post whatever you want… no matter what it is. This is your space. And you have friends here, not just readers. And it helps just knowing people care. Which I do… ♥

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, I know you care, I really do. I hate saying things that will make people feel sorry for me. Last night was the first time I really lost it, sobbing to myself during DWTS! I always think it won’t bother me so much any more about my dad, but by the end of the night it got to me… I’m definitely better today!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I don’t think you’re making people feel sorry for you! You’re human and some days, some things bother us more than others. (Feel free to laugh reading this from ME…) ♥

        Liked by 1 person

      2. OMG, if it weren’t for the Effexor, I’d never get through this. I’m better today…

        Liked by 1 person

  19. I will certainly be thinking about you this Friday – as it will be my last chemo treatment. I send you healthy, healing vibes and know there are many of us here to support you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, Terry, thank you, and I’ll be thinking of you! So glad you’ve reached the end of your chemo. I’m hoping you didn’t have too many side effects. I’m better today, I think!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The side effects were not too bad for me – I wish the same for you as well. I hope you have a happy day. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  20. I hope today will be a much better day for you. I can only imagine how much you’d like for these next couple of months to fly by, Wishing you all the best!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes, it turned out to be a much longer process than I had originally thought. I’m guessing it will not be as bad as all the disclaimers they have to give you, but yikes! I’ll try to keep my eye on the prize, the trip to Hawaii in January!

      Like

  21. I’m liking this post to let you know I read it but boy oh boy, I can understand why Halloween is such a downer for you. My father passed away on Nov 3th a few years ago. I hope the chemo experience will not be as bad as you fear but it’s always best to be prepared. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, can only look forward to getting through it. The unknown is always the scariest! So sorry about your dad, sometimes I think I’m fine and it hits me out of the blue xo

      Liked by 1 person

  22. Love the honesty. Sending loads of support and hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, I appreciate that! xo

      Liked by 1 person

  23. We’re here for you, whatever mood you’re in. No censorship or false front needed ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Al, I appreciate that. Don’t usually melt down too often! xo

      Liked by 1 person

  24. Emotions are what makes us human, and being human is what its all about. Your courage and sense of humour have been a joy to follow, and I will continue to follow, warts and all.

    Chemo sucks and is boring. Take loads of stuff to do or read. I was my mums support person a couple of years ago and we had a blast, mostly because the nurses and volunteers see it everyday so nothing shocks them and they have great senses of humour. The chemo ward is not the maudlin place you would expect it to be and every second person takes there hair off as they sit down. You will get through this and have a wonderful time in Maui playing lady of the manor in a big floppy hat on the beach after.

    Keep going with the honesty xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww, thank you, Toni! One of my best friends is going with me on Friday so it will be a good chance for us to catch up. I’d be fine reading or writing, finding time for myself is usually hard! The anticipation is the worst part!

      Like

  25. I have never liked halloween either. Don’t know why, I just don’t. You brought a tear to my eye about the dad thing. I don’t even know what to say except, you need to feel your feelings. Realize a feeling is not reality, it’s just a feeling but there is no way to get around the feeling thing. Just go through it and have faith that you will come out on the other side. Remember the light at the end of the tunnel. I love you Mz. D and everything is going to be fine. Those papers that they gave you to read, well they have to by law or something. Let your patient rep read them. You have enough to concentrate on. Remember, “Fight like a girl <3"

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yep, I thought I’d be good but by the end of the night I was crying through DWTS! I’m better today, just want to hurry up and get through this!

      Like

      1. Well you know how fast time flies…You’ll be through it in know time. I know I have been through many things and I’ve come out a better person for it. I lost a son, my baby Sean Patrick. He was my second, it made me a really good mother. I was just about killed in an automobile accident/coma traumatic brain injury. I no longer take my days for granted. I always kiss the ones I love goodbye because you just never know. I appreciate every day. You are a trooper and I know this can’t be easy but you’ll be a stronger person once you get through this. Just keep the faith ❤ Love you, Mz. D…It's going to be okay 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yeah, I know, we’ve had our share of medical issues which usually makes me able to deal with things pretty well. I’m better…

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      3. Good … Day is done, sleep well 🌻🍃🌻🍃

        Like

  26. It’s your dad, it’s your boob, it’s everything. All the shit happening at once. Hang in there, the wheel will turn. Hugs from me too🌹🌹🌹🌹

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, I think it was just everything at the same time. I’m doing better today, M co

      Like

  27. You have encouraged and inspired me to be strong. I am glad you are telling us how you are feeling! Everyday I think of you and wonder how you are and how you are feeling! I wish I could hold your hand or hug you or just bring you some yummy comfort food. You are strong and brave and a miracle of a person. You give hope and laughter and tears. I wish I could see you right now. You don’t know how much you have changed my perspective. Please tell us how you are doing and what is going on if you feel up to it. much love xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, thank you for telling me this, Lynn. I hope sharing what I’m going through can help someone. On the whole it’s not been terrible. I’m just anxious about the chemo and the effects. I’ll get through it cause I need to. I love reading your story too. You’ve come through a lot!

      Liked by 1 person

  28. I’ve been dumbly staring at my keyboard for the last 10 minutes, trying to summons words of encouragement. All I can come up with, is this sucks and I HATE that you’re going through this. I can’t wait for the update in January. The one that will say you’ve kicked this thing in its teeth.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. It does kind of suck but most of the time I really am okay. This scares me some, but I know I have to do it so I need to just suck it up and get on with it! And keep my eye on the trip to Maui!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well, you are sucking it up and handling it with such grace, but there’s immense bravery in honesty as well. Yes to Maui! You’ll be on the beach before you know it.

        Liked by 1 person

  29. So sorry, have been side tracked and preoccupied, first trying to find a good job other than my 8 year long warehouse job which has paid my bills! I hate that it is now mandatory to work 50 hours a week. Then, small bump in my road. . .

    If it makes you feel better, my Dad didn’t lose his hair with chemo.<3
    You will be once again in my prayers every day, Dee. Sorry, so long since I stopped by. Hugs, Robin

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Well, I’m glad for your dad, but doc assures me mine will be total hair loss. I wish you could find something with more reasonable hours!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I hope the doctor is wrong but it is ironic that insurance will pay for a wig. Go bravely and positively into this, mind over matter.
        I am sorry about your father dying on Halloween. I lost my Dad not near a holiday but I might just try to remember your Dad probably had a sense of humor and think of a Halloween funny occurrence which may help next year. . . I try to remember my Dad asked us not to visit without a new joke or funny story. Laughter is truly an amazing source of healing. 😀

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  30. I’m sorry it has been a rough time. I think most people can understand and empathize. Fear of the unknown, your father’s passing. Not even the Cubs’ success can wipe out those. I am praying for peace and strength for you. I am praying for minimal side effects. Keep looking for the humor; it seems to crop up in the oddest places for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I do find humor in a lot of things! I’m obviously not good with waiting…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. “Let’s get this thing DONE–sooner rather than later!”

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  31. I lost my dad this month 13 years ago. It’s a tough thing to go through. Wishing you healing, hugs, and love. All of us are here for you. Stay strong. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, I’m doing better. I always think it won’t bother me as much and then 10/31 rolls around and it does…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome. Glad you’re doing better.

        Like

  32. That’s a lot to handle all at once, anyone would feel the same. Words aren’t going to help, I’m sure, or at least not mine, but I hope you feel the embrace of everyone’s thoughts and feelings. You are doing amazing. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, your words do help! If the Cubs would win tonight, that would help, too 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes: to think that we got to see our Cubs play in the World Series — that’s a little amazing.

        I’m still half expecting someone to say, wake up, you’ve been dreaming. But I don’t mind, because if it’s been a dream, it’s been a good one. 🙂

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  33. Diane, there’s a ton of love and well wishes expressed already in this comment chain but I’d like to sign up as well! Hope you are feeling much better physically, feeling less overwhelmed mentally…and getting very excited for Game 7. Go Cubs!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Bruce, thank you! I’m doing okay now, hanging in there. How have you been?? We are so nervous about this game, but after last night, I know they can do it!! Where have you been??

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Diane, what a Game 7! We all needed a game like that…except for Cleveland and their supporters of course. Then again, after the season the Indians had with all their injuries they should be darn proud to have almost run the table. Cubs win the World Series. Still hard to believe. I’m doing well…just stepped away from the blogosphere for awhile and got motivated right before Halloween to return!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’m so glad you’re back. Yep, gotta question some of Joe’s choices, but it all worked out, so it’s okay!

        Liked by 1 person

  34. Getting here way late, my dear friend. I think you’re brave and you’re awesome. And you’re allowed to be you. We are your friends and we love you. I just know you’re going to get through this, you’re going to look fabulous with or without hair, and you’re going to kick this thing in the ass. Whatever you do, don’t put pressure on yourself during the holidays. Just remember the important thing – to enjoy your family and friends. Last of all, I know how it feels when those feelings of loss hit you out of the blue. My dad died in 2009 and something will suddenly remind me of him and the pain comes back as if I lost him yesterday. It is a reminder of how much their love meant to us… Cherish his memory. I do hope that today is a better day. And that your appointment goes well on Friday. I’ll be thinking of you! Love you, Dee!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Meg. Yes, every year it surprises me. This year was a lot of emotion on Monday and by the time DWTS was on I was on tears, so I knew that wasn’t going well. I think I’m feeling better now about everything. I’m not good with this anxiety of anticipation…

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      1. I know. And time drags when you want to get something over with. At least there was a good win last night! Fingers crossed for tonight.

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      2. I’m not sure youngest can take the pressure! He could barely sit still last night and it was an easy win!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Oh boy! And this is it! Crunch time! 😱

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  35. It’s certainly understandable why Monday was a tough one for you with memories of your dad and then the anxiety of your upcoming chemo treatments. I do think being proactive on selecting a wig gives you some measure of control through a totally uncontrollable situation. While I’ve never had chemo and I would suspect everyone’s experience is different, I pray that you can find some peace to quell your fear of the unknown. We are in your corner Diane. Sending you virtual hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Steph, I’m doing better now. Tomorrow is the day and I want to begin and get it over with already!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Geez, when I wrote my response to you I was thinking it was Weds. I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow. 💖

        Liked by 1 person

  36. I think the best posts are the ones closest to the heart. The ones that make the reader AND the writer cry.. and laugh. Good luck tomorrow (Friday). So many of us bloggers are with you, wishing you luck and perseverance and good health. We believe in you!

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  37. Oh Diane I’m so sorry you’re feeling sad. You are certainly entitled to, no apology necessary. Missing your Dad is something we will all experience, bet he’s watching over you and saying I’ll be with you every step of the way!! The hardest part of everything that my mother went through was losing her hair. Not the surgery, not the chemo, not the exercises, not the scar, but losing her hair. She too bought a wig and it was practically identical to her hair, you could not tell the difference. My Mom got her hair done every Friday her whole life, so when she looked at herself without it, it was difficult. I feel like I’m only going to bring you down even more by writing this, but please know that it does grow back and the chemo did work, and she’s still with me…that was 20 years ago now. Don’t hesitate for a moment to express your feelings, others going through the same thing will feel better knowing that what you’re feeling is the same as what they are feeling and somehow that will make them feel better. I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow! xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, Deb, hearing a success story like your mom’s is so comforting! I think my prognosis is good, the chemo will be manageable once I start. I think losing your hair is so visible and breast cancer takes all these symbols of femininity and that’s what makes it hard. I didn’t really get that till I had to go through it and that part has hit me hard. Plus it’s such a long process. I won’t have the final surgery until February at the earliest and depending what they do that could be another month of recovery. Thanks so much for taking the time to write, I really appreciate it ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh I’m so relieved that you find comfort in it! You are so right that’s what happens those symbols are so much more than we realize until they are gone. My mom did not have reconstructive surgery so she has no breasts at all and she still hasn’t completely accepted how she know looks. No matter how much my father, I or anyone else tells her that it’s not her breasts that we love but her…I can only imagine how I would feel. She has a bra that holds these boobs that weigh a ton…oh my goodness I swear her bra weighs 20 lbs…I tell her I don’t know how she can carry that load around all day. It is such a long process, I know it was a good year before she was close to being back to normal. I must say it has come a long way from 20 years ago but it’s still a difficult process to go through both physically and emotionally. You have a super attitude and I know you’ll do just fine, but give yourself a break if you want to be angry or cry sometimes…it’s okay. If you release it you’ll move back into the “I can do this” mode afterwards! I hope all went well today!! I’m so glad you had the Cubbie’s Parade for a distraction!! 🙂 xo

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      2. I can understand your mom’s frustration. There are a lot of choices you have to make relatively quickly and hope they are good ones. It is difficult physically and emotionally and I’m very thankful for advances in the field. Twenty years ago they wouldn’t have thought I needed chemo and a recurrence would have been more likely. So, I’m so grateful for all the new treatments available!

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      3. I’m grateful for them too! And you’re right, you hope you make the right and best decisions…and it is difficult because you’re deciding while you’re scared. I know you will come through this with flying colors. It’s all about a positive attitude and you have it! xo

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      4. Thanks, Deb, and thanks for sharing your mom’s story ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  38. Hi Diane! I hope your therapy went well today… i have an aunt who also survived cancer. On her 20’s she had cervical cancer and she beat it! And now in her 50’s, she found out she had breast cancer. She’d undergone surgery and chemo and she beat that cancer too! Just recently, she came to visit and she looked so healthy…you will not see that she battled with

    Liked by 1 person

    1. you will not see that she battled with 2 cancers! I guess what I’m trying to say is that you too will survive this challenge! You’re a strong woman, you’re a fighter, you have great supporters and most of all God loves you!
      I’ll keep you in my prayers! Sending you my warm hugs…😊

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh, thank you, Nina. Your aunt must be a very strong woman too!

        Liked by 1 person

  39. I’ve never been fond of Halloween either. Sending you love and positivity during this physically and emotionally draining time. Take care, Diane! ❤❤

    Like

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